Engaging Men

Sometimes people around a man who is using violence overlook or minimize his behaviour and only focus on supporting the abused woman. At other times, people may sympathize with the man, which may inadvertently escalate his abuse. Talking to a men who use violence is a critical part of preventing woman abuse, but this needs to be done carefully. Without intervention, abusive behaviour will continue.

A London, Ontario study providing intervention and support to men charged with a domestic violence offence, found that the majority of men participating in the study did not understand the factors that put them at risk of using abuse. By helping men to identify the risk that they posed to their partners (e.g. substance use, isolation, unemployment, mental health issues), as well as helping them navigate the system to get things like housing and work, men were more stable and less likely to hurt their partners.

How to Talk to a Man Who Uses Violence

Choose the right time and place to have a discussion
Approach him when he is calm
Be direct and clear about what you’ve seen
Tell him that his behaviour is his responsibility. Avoid making judgmental comments about him as a person.
Don’t try to force him to change or to seek help
Tell him that you’re concerned for the safety of his partner and children
Never argue with him about his use of abuse. Recognize that confrontational, argumentative approaches may make the situation worse and put her at higher risk
Call the police if the woman’s safety is in jeopardy

If he denies the abuse

Men who use violence will often minimize the impact and deny that they’ve done anything wrong. They may say that it isn’t that bad or blame the victim for their actions. This type of behaviour deflects his responsibility for his actions.
Keep the conversation focused on your concerns for his family’s safety and well-being and reiterate that abuse is never the answer
Keep the door open for future communication and look for opportunities to help him find support.
Always keep yourself safe. Don’t get in the middle of an assault. Call police in an emergency.

Warning Signs of Abuse

You may suspect abuse is happening to a friend, family member or co-worker but don’t know what to do or how to talk about it. You may worry about making the situation worse. By understanding the warning signs and risk factors of woman abuse, you can help. If you recognize some of these warning signs, it may be time to take action.

He:

Puts her down
Does all the talking and dominates the conversation
Checks up on her all the time, even at work
Tries to suggest he is the victim and acts depressed
Tries to keep her isolated from family and friends
Acts as if he owns her
Lies to make himself look good or exaggerates his good qualities
Acts like he is superior and of more value than others in his home
May be apologetic and makes excuses for his behaviour or becomes aggressive and angry
She is nervous talking when he’s there
She seems to be sick more often and misses work
She tries to cover her bruises
She makes excuses at the last minute about why she can’t meet you or she tries to avoid you on the street
She seems sad, lonely, withdrawn and is afraid
Signs of High Risk
The danger may be greater if he:
Has access to her and her children
Has access to weapons
Has a history of abuse with her or other people
Has threatened to harm or kill her if she leaves him
Threatens to harm her children, her pets or her property
Has threatened to kill himself
Has hit her, choked her
Is going through major life changes (e.g. job, separation, depression)
Is convinced she is seeing someone else
Blames her for ruining his life
Doesn’t seek support
Watches her actions, listens to her telephone conversations, reads her emails and follows her
Has trouble keeping a job
Takes drugs or drinks every day
Has no respect for the law
She has just separated or is planning to leave
She fears for her life and for her children’s safety or she cannot see her risk
Is in a custody battle, or has children from a previous relationship
Is involved in another relationship
Has unexplained injuries
Has no access to a phone
Faces other obstacles (e.g. she does not speak English, is not yet a legal resident of Canada, lives in a remote area)
Has no friends or family

Statistics indicate that women under 25 years of age, women with a disability, Aboriginal women and women living common-law are at higher risk of abuse.

Adapted from Neighbours, Friends & Families – www.neighboursfriendsandfamilies.ca